Jeff was an insurance agency, he just embarked on his new job after he graduated from college yesterday. Jeff told himself that everything would be fine before he went out. However, things were under controlled as he thought at first. It seemed that Jeff was under a curse when he left for his company.
Initially, he slipped on the floor for he did not notice a big gap in front of him. His clothes got dirty and had a big stain on it. All of a sudden, the weather worsened and rained like cats and dogs. Jeff decided to take a bus instead of walking. Nonetheless, the bus delayed for over 30 minutes. Jeff was not only nervous but bothered. No sooner had he rushed to company after getting out from the bus than he stepped on the dog shit. After he cleaned his shoes, he ran to his company without delaying and made an apology to the general manager. But the general manager took it as an excuse so that he was very angry with him and laid him off immediately.
All Jeff’s hopes about his job dashed to pieces and he was completed in despair. He went back home and cried out for a while. Jeff really suffered a miserable experience and it made him very disappoint. He regarded it was a test for him and started to find a new job. But he remembered that he had to be careful when he on his way to work next time.
As the proverb goes, “Accidents happen.” We never know what will happen at the next second, but we have to hold a positive attitude toward life and never give up the goals you want to reach.
2011年3月14日 星期一
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回覆刪除getting out from the bus 應為getting out of the bus
it made him very disappoint.應為it made him very disappointed.
你每次文章都寫的很豐富,而且你都會運用到一些我們教到的東西,比如No sooner had ... than 之類的,我覺得很棒。
而且你的轉折辭很多有高潮迭起,很棒,我覺得!
It seemed that Jeff was under a curse when he left for his company.
回覆刪除這句跟第一段銜接起來的語意很奇怪
前面如果是說在控制內的話
後面接看起來在詛咒中有點怪
然後第2段的第4行 bothered沒有形容詞用法~
可以改anxious
然後其實有很多連接詞後面可以改成分詞構句
After he cleaned his shoes-->After cleaning his shoes
He regarded it was a test for him and started to find a new job.
這可以改He regarded it a test for him and started to find a new job.
然後你的開頭跟結尾都好棒:D
Jeff was not only nervous but bothered這句話的bothered感覺用的有點奇怪,他本身應該是不能當作形容詞來用吧,可以用anxious看看喔~
回覆刪除最後的結尾我覺得打的很好,不會說有虎頭蛇尾的感覺,我喜歡第二段描寫那個人有多衰的部分,寫的很生動,感覺越看越有fu!!
As the proverb goes, “Accidents happen.”
回覆刪除→“Accidents will happen.”
我查到他是這樣寫~
感覺中間很刺激,腳步很快~
However, things were under controlled as he thought at first. It seemed that Jeff was under a curse when he left for his company.
回覆刪除改成At first,things were under controlled as he thought; however, it seemed that Jeff was under a curse when he left for his company.
看起來比較順
the weather worsened and rained like cats and dogs.
應該不用加like
整篇文章很順暢,還用名言嘉句結尾,很厲害!!
He regarded it as a test
回覆刪除第一句逗號後面要有連接詞
回覆刪除第6行的rained like cats and dogs這個用法不錯喔
而且整篇文章還蠻有教育性質的~寫的很好阿
Jeff was an insurance agency, he just embarked on his new job after he graduated from college (yesterday)省略較好.
回覆刪除Jeff told himself that everything would be fine before he went out+at first day that he went to his new company. 因為如果沒交代...會看不太懂~
rained like cats and dogs不對喔!!!
可改成rained cats and dog或storrential rain~
有感受到故事的高潮迭起!!!
也有勸告世人的結尾=)
不
錯
喔
!
!
!
第三行However, things were under controlled as he thought at first. It seemed that Jeff was under a curse when he left for his company.
回覆刪除however為轉折 後面應該接和前面相反的事物
這裡如果寫 However, things were out of control~
會比較符合
第二段第三行 rained like cats and dogs
→ rain cats and dogs
~like cats and dogs. Jeff decided to ~
這兩句中間感覺加了連接詞會比較順
第二段第五行 dog shit,shit感覺比較不好聽也比較粗俗的感覺可以換成別的字在文章上可能會比較好看
→ excrement , feces
第三後一行 when he on his way ~
→ when he is on his way~
最後面的結語有警惕的感覺, 小故事大道理:D